I’m coming up on seven years of marriage and am beyond blessed to be more in love with the man I married than ever before. Marriage has been no picnic but we’ve worked hard for our marriage to be what it is. I would have never imagined that boy in the bright yellow Old Navy fleece I saw at youth camp at 13 would be my closest friend, partner, and father of my children.
As we approach our 7th anniversary I find it be something extra special to celebrate.
Seven years is no joke. Relationship expert Jennifer Nagy writes about the seven-year itch phenomenon,
There’s no consensus among experts as to why the seven-year itch may occur. Perhaps it’s a matter of timing: after seven years, some couples will have successfully raised one or two children through the trying infant years, only to realize that they don’t really want to be together any longer. Or by the seven-year mark, some couples may have spent enough time together that the relationship is no longer exciting and all of those pesky habits and traits that were tolerable through the first few years of the relationship are now like nails on a chalkboard (a.k.a. intolerable).
Other theories suggest that our bodies and minds develop and change every seven years. Austrian philosopher and teacher Rudolf Steiner created a theory of human development based on seven-year cycles. According to his theories, humans experience changes physically and mentally every seven years. It makes some sense that if we experience large changes in personal growth, experience, knowledge and goals every seven years, that these changes will make a marriage less stable and increase the probability of divorce.
It has been both a brutal and beautiful seven years for my husband, Derek, and I. We’ve lost two adoptions, one after a sweet boy was placed with us for 2 1/2 months. We’ve had two job changes. When I wanted to stay home with kids he switched careers to make ends meet. We’ve enjoyed time in our favorite cities around the country and devoured delectable plates from choice restaurants. We’ve laughed over reruns of The Office and consumed far too many homemade chocolate chips cookies. We’ve labored side by side in the kitchen for dinner parties and can’t think of a more perfect way to spend an evening than around the table with friends. We’ve spent nights holding each other when it all felt like too much and believed for God’s good plan when we couldn’t see his hand. We’ve successfully bathed, clothed, and showered kisses on two little boys that have stolen our hearts. It has been the adventure my heart always longed for.
With seven years in the books, I give you our 7 tips for making marriage the adventure it was always intended to be.
Honesty
Honesty, delivered in a gentle way keeps resentment off the table. In the safety of my marriage I choose to share my honest feelings, not ones that will hurt or wound, but ones that will share the inner workings of my soul. It’s not honesty to say your spouse is a train wreck. It’s honesty to say, “I’m feeling like I’m don’t know what to expect in this situation with you.” As you share honestly with each other it can be easy to be defensive. Instead, make room for the other to be heard. Acknowledge the honest perspective he shares and work from there.
Equality
My husband and I firmly believe we are equals. We co-lead, co-parent, and work as a team. We determine our strengths and stick with them. We don’t demonize the other because we aren’t the same or think the same way. We value each other and have chosen an egalitarian approach to our marriage. We are not in charge of each other and we make decisions together. No individual has the final say on what happens in our family. We work toward agreement on what comes our way.
Trust
Trust is a big hairy deal. Truly, if there isn’t trust, run and get help. Get to the bottom of the issue. Trust issues erode the bedrock of a marriage. Choosing to trust each other, and regard that trust in the highest honor, builds confidence in each other and your relationship. Trusting each other in financial decisions, relational decisions, and every other decision is easier if shared values are respected.
Communication
Family of origin plays a big role in how spouses communicate in marriage. So often we communicate in the way we saw our parents communicate. While that may have been positive or negative it often plays the lead in how you communicate. Deconstructing how and why you communicate is key to communicating in a way that works in your marriage. My husband and I have rules of engagement when we communicate. We communicate often and look to drop combative, sass mouth weapons to promote health in our relationship.
Forgiveness
Stubborn, defensive point of views leaves little room for forgiveness. Forgiveness, both given and received, points to our need for Jesus. It reminds each other of our frail humanity and our ever desperate need for the Redeemer to work in every area of our life. We offer forgiveness to each other and to our children on the regular.
Joy
The joy of the Lord is your strength and the joy of the Lord is a gift to your spouse. When you bring a joyful soul to the relationship and join it with your spouse’s joyful soul you’ll find it much easier to enjoy your time together. Whether you enjoy sipping espresso at the kitchen table before the kids get, vacationing in Italy, or simply grocery shopping for dinner, it’s something sweet to enjoy your spouse just as they are in life’s little and big moments.
Encouragement
The biggest cheerleader for my dreams is my husband. He has given time, money, and prayer towards my professional and family dreams. It’s my honor to do the same. You will achieve your greatest feats because of your spouse, not in spite of him. With your energy, words, and time look to uplift your spouse as he walks in the fullness of God.
For more like this check out why I’m still married.